Step-by-Step Paint Removal Techniques

I came up with this technique after dumping a whole gallon of ugly gray paint in the floorboard of my car.

1. Open car door.
2. The paint can lid has become disconnected with the paint can. You observe that the entire gallon of paint is now completely covering the floor of your car...SCREAM.
3. Shut the car door and slowly compose yourself.
4. When the screaming has stopped, reopen the car door.
5. Make a plan of action before starting to move the items you had in the floorboard out of the car. If you just start picking up the stuffed animal, briefcase and plastic bag and flinging them out onto the grass beside your driveway, paint will follow every item. PLAN FIRST!
6. Getting mad will get you nowhere. (Not a technique, just an observation.)
7. Because you didn't make a plan and you were mad, you now have paint on nearly every surface of your car, on the outside of your car, the driveway...and most importantly all over yourself!
8. STOP!
9. Go inside your house, locate every paper towel, old rags and plastic trash bags.
10. Return to car. If you realize at this moment that you have left your purse, car keys and other important personal possesions sitting on the hood of your car (and they are still there), secure these items. (This item should be moved to #9)
11. Return to the house, sit in the middle of the floor (because your knees have given out) and thank God that no one stole your purse! No need to mention to Him about the car keys. Who would want to steal a car that reeked of paint!
12. Now, you are ready!
13. Don't even bother with rubber gloves because you are already covered in paint from #5.
14. Open plastic bag.
15. If you were lucky to have a floor mat, about 1/2 gallon of paint is on the floor mat (lucky you). Carefully pick up the floor mat. Quickly move the floor mat over the door frame and deposit it into the trash bag. Don't worry, about spillage now, it's too late for that. As the paint runs off of the floor mat, some will spill onto the seat, the door frame, the pavement, your pant leg, your sandals, and your toes. Leave it for later.
16. OK, you're getting into the really messy details now. You will be tempted to stand up straight, survey the disaster before you and say, "I give up." DON'T DO IT! BE STRONG!
17. Take the first roll of paper towels, tear off half a dozen or so, and start mopping up the paint. That's right...you are already covered in paint anyway, so what's the problem?
18. Repeat Step 17 until you run out of the first roll of paper towels. Reach for the second roll. It's OK if it's only a partial roll, use what you have. Continue, sopping up the paint.
19. Don't, I said DON'T wipe the sweat from your face. Big mistake at this point.
20. If you didn't read Step 19, and wiped the sweat from your face, just remember that paint will wash off of your hands and face. It's a little more difficult to get it out of your hair.
21. DON'T CRY if you are alone! It only makes things worse. However, if husband drives up at this stage, CRYING AND SOBBING IS REQUIRED! Just let him comfort you. It will take the focus off of the disaster he is seeing for the first time, and give him something important to do.
22. If your husband hasn't arrived yet, you might want to call a friend to get a little sympathy. This step is not required and may prove dangerous to your cell phone functionality.
23. After you have mopped and sopped up as much of the paint from the carpet that you can, it's time to stop.
24. Clean up or throw away all that is now on the grass beside your driveway. If your husband is still around, don't be shy, ALLOW him to help you!
25. After everything is done, go inside. Wash as much paint off of you as you can, change your clothes, and your shoes. Don't forget to wash the paint from between your toes. Then, fix your lunch. Afterall, that's why you came home in the first place.
26. After lunch, return to the car, open door.
27. OPEN WINDOWS (move this to Step 12).
28. Job complete.
29. It's very important to have a gracious and loving husband (or friend). He will dry your tears, tell you it's OK, tell you that the carpet needed to be replaced anyway, and help you to laugh at the whole thing. Then, you need to buy a huge floor mat to temporarily cover the ugly gray paint that is now covering the once dark blue carpet.
30. If Step 29 is impossible for you, then there's always Cash for Clunkers. Oops, sorry, that ended last Monday!

Good luck!